One Week At Covance, Three To Go

Well, I've been cooped up in this place for a little over a week now. I've really wanted to keep a daily record of my stay here, but as I've mentioned before some goofballs are tying up the darn network. But, not now---I actually have a connection and I'll share with you highlights of my week as a paid guinea pig.

Day 1 (Sat. Jan. 7)
---Cell-phone alarm did not go off!!! Shitcakes. Woke up at 7:35 and had to be in-house at 8 AM. Instantly freaked, jumped out of bed, grabbed whatever I could and threw it into a suitcase and a paper-bag, ran out of the house and into my truck, and blasted my way to Covance. I've been staying at my dad's on the other side of Columbus next to the Astico State Park. I had about 30 miles to drive in the 20 minutes I had left on the clock. Usually I have to be extremely cautious along the way because of all the deer and raccoons with certain death-wishes. Pedal to the metal the whole way. Got my little Ford Ranger going 80! Whoo-weeee! Made it here at 8:05 hoping I was on time....and luckily, many others hadn't arrived yet, making my tardiness a little less substantial. Spent the day sitting around getting poked and prodded here and there, looking around at all the others wondering who would or wouldn't make the panel. Covance screens many people for each study, calling a bunch in to show up for the first day. Then out of that bunch they make a final selection, weeding out those who recently smoked crack or went out on a bender the night before, or those who are just a bit unhealthier than the others. Everyone was sizing everyone else up, checking out the competition. Rather "Survivor"-esque. Who was gonna make it? Who was going home?

From past experience, I knew chances were bad for you if you saw a project manager walking around looking at people's nametags and she stopped by you. That's when she would tell you that you didn't make panel, or possibly you were chosen to be an alternate. I think she would just walk into the room to play with us. We'd all be holding our breaths, fingers clenching into our chairs, our eyes on her every step. I caught her looking at my nametag. Oh crap. She started to walk my way. Oh no. I had to get into this study. I'm sure, everyone else was thinking that too, the stipend for this one is $6500. A lot of money on the line. I kept picturing myself heading back to NYC with a paper-thin empty wallet and looking for minimum-wage jobs at pizza joints. I looked into her eyes and she walks right by me to the guy next to me. Whooo! I overheard the news that he has been picked as an alternate. That means he would get to stay a day or two longer until everyone that was picked for panel dosed on the drug that's being tested. If for some reason someone on the panel gets sick or has a medical condition and has to leave the study before the drug is dosed he would take their place. But, this rarely happens, and the alternate stays long enough to make the rest of the group uncomfortable by his mere existence. Him being around meant that we were replaceable. Yikes! Go home!

Well, this new alternate had quite a situation. He was part of a guinea-pig couple and his girlfriend was picked for panel, while he was just an alternate. He was getting all worked up over the fact that there was no guarantee about him replacing anyone in the study. Separation anxiety was already setting in for him. His girlfriend sat quietly there as he tried to concoct crap-ass plans on how both of them could stay. Several pleas and bargains with the project manager were fitfully made. Seems that he was one of a couple alternates and he wanted to know his chances of making the study as opposed to the other alternates. Were they healthier? Was there a pecking order? At first he was told there wasn't; then, as they seemed to tire of him, he suddenly became "Alternate #3." Despite this, he talked his girlfriend out of the study so he could maybe take her place. What???? They had a guaranteed payout if she stayed, but he was gambling on himself getting in. So she would go home and wait for him. In the middle of this, room-assignments were finally given out. This was important because once you had a room, that meant you had a number and a place in the study. I was picked at number 16---out of 16. ohmygod. Just made it. I had been worried that my frenzied panic earlier in the morning affected my heart readings, which it did, but not enough to kick me out of the study.

Room selection worked out so that I had to share with the remaining two alternates. One was a porky looking ghetto white boy who talked of his time in jail and the other was the former Alternate #3, who was now Alternate #2 due to his girlfriend's drop-out and replacement by the first alternate. His fretting was getting worse as we were setting up bunk. He had his clothes and belongings out of his bags ready to be checked but then he grabbed them all and threw them all back in. He couldn't be apart from his partner and decided to leave. It was just me and Ghetto-boy then. I watched as he got his side of the room set up. Pictures of his child with his ex-girlfriend and photos of his current girlfriend went up above his bed. He told me about how he couldn't wait to pop his new girlfriend's cherry. She was still a virgin and he respected that. He also told me about how he's gotten laid more than twenty times since he joined myspace.com this last year. Funny, I'm a member too and I haven't gotten laid once. Hmmm.....

Day 2 (Sun. Jan. 8)
----Today we all had to wear holter monitors for the entire day and into the night to record our heart activities. We were warned about the placement of patches onto our bodies. Supposedly they have to stick in a certain way with nothing in the way, like body hair. Yikes! Supposedly they'll shave spots of hair away so they can sandpaper the skin so the patches stick. Gruesome visions of an earlier study I tried out for stabbed me instantly in the brain. I had hair on my chest which needed to be removed. I'm like ok. Then the nurse reaches over and grabs a razor-blade, just the blade, and proceeds to visciously shred my chest into a spotty mass of grated pink skin and shorn hair. Looked like a werewolf had a go at me trying to chew out my heart taking bites here and there. I recoiled at this memory and vowed this would not happen again. I walked straight into my shower area and got out the shaving cream. A sizable time, lots of lather, and delicate strokes later I walked out like either a plucked chicken or the prepubescent 14 year old version of myself, but I still had my skin intact.


Day 3 (Mon. Jan. 9)
----An anxious morning to start with. Today was day for the dosing. The last study I was in a guy I shared a room with was kicked out just prior to this moment because of a bad ECG reading. I wasn't counting my chickens until, I too, passed this moment on this study. I kept looking at Porky McGhetto and picturing him laughing at me as I was escorted out and he replaced me. However, I guess he didn't really wanted to stay. His birthday was coming up in a few days and he wanted to celebrate. I prayed hoping the higher power would allow him to celebrate such a precious day on the outside. Nobody should be allowed to experience a birthday cooped up in a health study! Hope came alive for me, and when it came time for me to swallow my two little happy pills I was smiling ear to ear. Yay! Porky McGhetto could go home and eat all the birthday cake and drink all the booze he wanted and I could stay and make myself a few thousand dollars richer. As he walked out he nicely willed me his dollar-store flip-flops (which I did need, due to my haphazard packing) and told me how he was going to pork his girlfriend on his birthday. I wished him well and now assumed sole ownerhip of our four-bed room.


Day 4 (Tue. Jan 10)
----The start of many viewings of any of the Lord of Rings movies has begun. The cable channels get here seem to be playing it nonstop. I predict I will see each installment at least a dozen times in my time here.

----Called my dad today, he has the day off from his job and is willing to come to Madison with a supply of things that didn't make it into my bag on my frenzied morning here. I will now have more than one pair of socks and underwear. I also asked him to stop at a store to get me some slippers and sleep-pants. These seem to be the necessary fashion items here at Covance---everyone's wearing them!! He's also going to bring my art supplies and comic books. Yay! I think I would go into withdrawal if a day goes by and I don't get to read a DC comic book. Go Aquaman!

----Dammit. My dad didn't show up.



Day 5 (Wed. Jan 11)
----Today is my sister Cari's birthday. Reminds me that it is also Porky McGhetto's birthday too. Wonder if he's enjoying his life in the outside world. And I wonder if he got to bang his sweetheart?

----9 pm tonight my dad showed up with a box of goodies. I was informed that he could drop stuff off for me, but that I would be unable to have contact with him. Well, I saw him drive up in his little blue Ford Aspire (his Assfire, as I call it, heheheheh...). So I alerted a staff member to go to the door to let him in. I thought they would tell me to stand back or something, but I didn't get the heave-ho. How strange it was, only five days into my month long sentence, to see someone from the outside world. Even with complete cable television coverage and occasional internet access the world should be at my disposal, but I felt like I had to reach out for any connection to the real world. What was the weather like? How was the car ride? Get any good butter-burgers at Culvers? Stupid questions were welling up, and any mundane answer would have perked me up, made me feel like part of reality rather than a lab-rat caught in a cage. My dad handed me my stuff and then staff escorted him out. I walked back into the den where I looked on as my dad drove away in his little Assfire. I realized I'm in for the long haul.


Day 6 (Thur. Jan. 12)
----Harold and Kumar was playing on the Encore channel today. Reminded me of the last study I was in where this movie was on constant rotation. Also brought to mind the story I was told by this girl Dee who I worked with at the law firm about Neil Patrick Harris (a.k.a. Doogie Howser) who appears as a drugged-out, horned-up version of himself to comedic effect in the film. Supposedly when she was visiting New York City she went to a concert with a couple of guy friends, who, by the way, were really quite midwestern, when they realized they were standing next to Doogie Howser! They ended up chatting and getting along quite nicely, to the point where they drove around for awhile and partied afterwards. At one point after many drinks and many drugs on Doogie's part, he made a proposal to bed one of the guy friends. I don't know the rest of the story. But, now whenever I think of Neil Patrick Harris I think of him all blitzed out on some drug named after some letter of the alphabet asking for gay sex in the cramped back seat of a Toyota somewhere in New York City. Oh, Doogie Howser!

----Word has spread that I have a room (and an adjoining bathroom) all to myself. This one guy, a cool Korean from Madison and I started talking. He was telling me about his parents who are in the ministry and about how he wants to start a whole new life and create an entirely different identity in California with the money he makes from this study. Then he started on about my room. The jokes he made were a thinly-veiled attempt to disguise his jealousy. Everyone else has to share a room with three other snoring guys; and they also have to share their bathroom with the guys in their room plus the four guys fromn the adjoining one. Since I'm the last in the study and there is no other study to fill the room next to me I also get a bathroom all to my little self. The haters hate on!


Day 7 (Fri. Jan. 13)
----Friday the 13th and a Full Moon on the same day here in Covance. Ooooooh boy. Anyway, routine is setting in. Been shooting some pool and watching some more lame movies. Today's feature was Transporter 2, an action film about this guy who is a professional driver. In this particular movies he's a chauffer for this family who's kid is kidnapped and laced with a bio-germ that he gives to his dad who's this big-wig who is going to some political convention. A huge stupid convuluted plot to showcase lots of fast cars and karate chops. Kick. Chop. Bang. Beep-Beep. I thought the terrorists or drug-lords or whatever the fuck they were should have just sent some guy with the virus to the convention. It would have shaved off more than half the movie, sparing us all from an uncountable number of science violations and a plethora of plot inconsistancies. This movie proved to me that Miami is probably a place I would never want to go to. People there, as portayed for this documentation seem to over-indulge in crazy vehicular speed, eye make-up or club-town sassitude. It just seems unsafe!


Day 8 (Sat. Jan 14)
----Spent the day reading about and compiling a list of possible grad schools I'd like to apply to. I've got a list of about eight right now. If you know anyone who got their masters in architecture and got any advice to share, introduce them to me. I need help. My list consists of schools who have special programs for those students who have their bachelor's in any other field besides architecture.

So far I have these schools listed:

Parson's School of Design
Columbia College
Art Institute of Chicago
Universtiy of Minnesota - Minneapolis
Universtiy of Wisconsin - Milwaukee
University of Hawai'i - Manoa
University of British Columbia - Vancouver

I'm started to compile my info for the application process and I'm sure a good part of my health study money is going towards these app fees. Yep.

----Watched a movie about child molestation called "Mysterious Skin" that some girl recommended to us. About 20 other people from my study and other studies sat around the den and watched in continuous horror. Ugh. I showered immediately afterwards. Topped it off with Tom Cruise's "War of the Worlds." This movie scared me in how it was soooooo poorly made. Simply Craptacular.


Day 9 (Sun. Jan 15)
----Today was Shark Attack Day! It was one of the busier days for the participants in the study. Most days we sit around, not really doing much other than our twice-a-day intake of happy pills. However, today we had blood draws, a full round of ECG's (electro cardiograms), blood pressure readings, and physicals. For most of it we were to lay in our beds as staff made their rounds to each room. The internet was extemely slow again.... so I turned on the TeeVee. Discovery Channel was having a show about the greatest sharks on Earth and I thought I could learn something about these creatures that I may in turn someday use in an Aquaman story I'd like to write. Then another program about sharks, then another, and another! The theme seemed to be about how sharks like to attack people. Stay out of the water in October and November. Stay away from seals and turtles. Don't swim with dogs. If you do swim, don't stop and tread water. Murky water is unsafe to swim in because sharks like murky water. Don't bleed in the water either. And if you have to get revenge on a killer shark who just ate your wife don't bother getting a vigilante squad to kill the shark, because it has already swam far away from the area. Sharks are extremely mobile and can swim 60 miles away in a day.

A great song to listen to: "Shark Attack" by Freezepop. It's been in my head all day.

Day 10 (Mon. Jan 16)
----Okay, I think I'm feeling the effects of the drug we're testing. Up until now I believed I was taking the placebo, but now I've got this weird anxious feeling. I laid in bed last night worrying about this and that for no reason whatsoever. I did fall asleep alright, but when I woke up I experienced that same anxiety and I felt a slight tingling in my upper lip. Uh-oh, I seem to get these stress blisters on my lip that inherited from my mom when I was a baby. I can't let that happen! I thought maybe this feeling was just me, but then I heard a bunch of the others going on about similiar feelings. We're all testing this anti-depression pill to see how big of a dose should be recommended for those it's prescribed to once the drug is on the market. It's tested on healthy participants to see how it moves through the body, to see how it's processed. So none of us are head-cases or anything. I hope the others and I can cope with this drug. We're here for three more weeks. That's a lot of time to be trapped with people going crazy! To get a hold of myself and work against this anxiety I decided to get dressed up in regular clothes. Most days I've been wearing lounge wear and lounging about. Today I donned some jeans with a button-down shirt and shoes. Tried being a regular human being today.

----Got to go outside on the patio! Soaked in the sun and the mild 40℉ mid January Wisconsin weather. Ahhhhhhh, fresh non-medical facility air. Makes me think about the fucked-up global warming that supposedly doesn't exist. No matter, I got to be OUTSIDE.

----Was told today I'm going bald. Now I have a reason to be anxious. I'm going to sneak some extra drugs into the food of that jerk who had to "delicately" announce my follicle condition. Fucker.